I Am Still Here

years of pressure
build up inside
no light to see
no hope or drive
 
escaping deep
inside my head
excluding the world
to feel safe instead
 
I tried to run
but never could hide
so I injured my body
to soothe my mind
 
I didn’t understand
what was happening to me
I still don’t know
I’ll just let that be
 
looking at my battle scars and
remembering how life was
today a thought occurred to me
as I listened to my Pastor’s words

Jesus came to live with us
He knows how humans work
He showed us His unconditional Love
by being among us in the dirt
 
often when asked
“how are you doing today”
my popular response was
“I am here”
 
today I heard
and understood that
Yes!
I am still here!
 
‘still’ is just
one
additional word
but it creates a whole new meaning
 
‘still’
provides room for
Faith and Hope
and remembrance of His being
 
He walks with us
He walks in us
Yes
I am still here
Advertisements

Spinning Thoughts

spinning
spinning
spinning
around go my thoughts
 
I need to grab
just one
this continuous circus must
stop
 
I feel this chair
as I sit
I feel the floor
and tap on it
 
something is off
something isn’t right
I wish I could feel some emotion
instead there’s nothing but sight
 
am I real
or am I not
I can’t pinpoint it
with these crazy thoughts
 
these thoughts I have
won’t go away
maybe I can accept
that they are here today
 
let them become
background noise
this way I can pray
for peace and more
 
right now
I accept God’s peace
and can reflect it
with saying “Hey”
 
the return smile
from saying “Hi”
moves the noise back
behind the unbearable line

Answers?

What has changed
This past year was so different
What created this space
How did I handle all of it
 
There’s been frustrations and setbacks
There’s been anger and fear
Yet somehow through all of this
I am still here
 
No hospital visits required
No cutting or any self-harm
No retreating inside my head
Although the urges were there to act upon
 
What has changed
I’m different somehow
It seems to have started
After I left that town
 
I’m more aware now of His blessings
I see my world differently
There’s so much love and support
Which has helped me grow exponentially
 
I don’t need to know the answer
To how this change could be
All I need to know
Is that God is always beside me
 
He has placed me with a family
(a couple of families in fact)
Where grace and love are present
I don’t need more specifics than that
 
And with these gifts
I can give back
To all I encounter
To all that matters
 
Listen
Faith
Trust
Accept

I don't have all the answers and I am fine with that
 

A Year of Thanksgiving

How long is a year
It seems to fly by
What have I learned
What have I tried
 
I’ve begun to truly understand
The power of prayer
I’m never alone
Because He is always there
 
A major lesson
Which sticks in my head
Is the need to slow down
To take life in
 
The strength behind words
What they truly mean
Has brought me closer
To a more faithful being
 
Flexibility – like cooked spaghetti –
Is an on-going lesson
I’m learning to “kiss the gray”
And to change my reactions
   
Taking care of my body
Has become a life-style
To strengthen my Temple
Both inside and out
 
I pray this coming year
Will bring more insights
Not through “New Year’s Resolutions”
But with growth and a love of life

Labels???

Major Depression
What does that mean?
Locked in a cage?
Feeling unclean?

Anxiety Disorders
Why give them a name?
All that these labels uncover
Is that I am insane

Every category I fit into
white, female, 36 years in age…
Mean nothing to me
I’m still lost in the waves

This ocean consumes all of me
My heart and beliefs
Things keep running together
I keep searching for peace

A few years ago
I found a label that includes
I had forgotten the lessons
I learned as a youth

Christian – it’s a label
But with a whole different tune
It’s positive and poetic
Without blinding the truth

This is a label
I choose to accept
This is a label
I need to protect

Our society puts labels
On everything in life
Even on our food items
How am I to know what is right?

The only label I need is
“a child of God”
I’m not picky about which religion
Because in this label we all belong.

Gratitude

Today I am grateful because I can read.
Today I am grateful because I can write.
Today I am grateful for leaders in my communities – the ones who challenge the wrongs of this world:
Triune.
Gateway.
The YMCA.
I am grateful for the people who do not sit back and just watch as the world turns.
Today I pray for Senator John McCain and his family:
A man whose example was to challenge, yet simultaneously work together for results.
Today I pray that I will continue to learn about my entire world.
I pray that I will have the strength to do my part as a citizen within all my communities.
I pray that I do not let any limitations I’ve labeled myself with interfere.
I pray I will not sit back and watch.
I pray I will challenge, yet simultaneously work together for results.
A person belongs to many communities.
My community includes more than just Gateway.
My community includes more than just my position at the YMCA.
My community includes more than my church, my family, my friends…
Every person on this Earth is my community.
And I know I cannot personally reach out to all,
But I can do my part.
I can be part of Gateway;
A part of the YMCA;
A part of Triune;
A part of Greenville, South Carolina.
I will write.
I will vote.
I will pray.
I will be Christian and spread His light.
I will be kind and gracious to the men and women I encounter daily on the streets of Greenville.
I will be kind and gracious to myself…
For I have a community I carry within my own flesh – The Father, The Son, The Holy Spirit.
I pray I can hear and understand my roles on this Earth.
Today I am grateful because I can read.
Today I am grateful because I can write.
Today I am grateful to know that I do have a voice.

Masks

Who will I be today?
Which mask shall I choose to wear?
I am reminded of the game hide-n-seek
Moving blindly from here to there

I mistakenly believe the masks can’t change
Like they are sprayed in glue each day
Covering up the messes I make
While feigning a smile on my face.

I wear a mask of leadership
Within a place for fun and games
Running and playing within circles and squares
Keeping the angels safe

At another location I struggle for purpose
(Unaware of the mask I choose)
I look for perfection, order, and rules
But this is a battle I will always lose

I do have two safe islands I visit
Where each mask can freely come off
But then the emotions want to take over
And I’m afraid to talk

Yes, these two islands are safe
But the feelings I’ve ignored for so long
Flood back towards me unbound
I’m knocked out and thrown overboard

My words are lost as I drown
There’s too many thoughts in my mind
I can’t remember which mask I should wear
The swirling waves won’t subside

Who will I be today?
Which mask shall I choose to wear?
I am reminded of the game hide-n-seek
Moving blindly from here to there